In the two years I have been writing this column (This is number 115, as a matter of fact.) I have heard from only two readers. Two readers who don't know me personally, that is, who have no obligation to say, "Nice column. Liked it."
     I often wonder if anyone (besides my friends and family) even reads the words I labor over every week. Or notices my sentences are usually grammatically correct and my punctuation nearly perfect. Do people care? Certainly, one topic or another must have appealed to someone. Or irritated somebody else.
     When I was in the eighth grade, Sister Muriel read our class an article that had been written in the Catholic Digest. It must have grabbed my attention because, along with two of my friends, I wrote a letter to the editor of that paper. We told him exactly what we thought of the situation. He contacted Sister and asked if the paper could write a story about her student do-gooders. There we were-right smack dab on the front page of the paper. The best part about it, as I recall, was we didn't have to wear our school uniforms for the photo.
     I even wrote to this newspaper once, criticizing the editor for a word he chose to use in his column. A word I did not think befitted a man of his status and education. A year later, when I spoke with him about writing my own column, I refreshed his memory, hoping he wouldn't hold my comments against me. He assured me any letter to the editor was better than no letter at all. I know the feeling.
     With that in mind, I wrote a short, but sweet, letter to the editor of the Saint Paul Pioneer Press a year ago, complimenting one of the columnists on his consistently good work. When it was printed, I was over the top. I know it doesn't qualify as being published in a major metropolitan paper, but it was better than being written off by a major metropolitan paper.
     Isn't there something I've written you love or hate? While I don't want you to tell me where to go, or what I can do with my column, it would be nice to know someone in town picks up the paper and doesn't turn right past my page. You will see my E-mail address at the end of my article. Better yet, you could E-mail the editor. That way, he'll know someone reads my words. Besides, judging by the dearth of readers comments, he must be lonely.
     I'm no political pundit like Molly Ivins or Maureen Dowd. I'll never touch your heart like Craig Wilson or Erma Bombeck, either. Nothing I write is earth-shattering. But what about global warming? Or game shows? Surely, someone has an opinion about their own mother or Halloween costumes. I've written about all of these and more. Maybe you think I've missed a topic. Let me know. Give it to me with both barrels. I'm tough. I can take it.
     But let's get one thing straight: Don't criticize my picture or my hairstyle. Some things are beyond words.